This is a topic that's been stirring in my heart for a long time now. Dealing with it, sorting through it, seeing it in a new light and understanding it the way I should. I decided to finally write it all down, start to finish. It might be a little too personal, but I know it's something about 99.9% of us deal with, so I know it'll be beneficial to someone.
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From a very young age I was self-conscious about my chubby cheeks. Everyone told me they loved them. I suppose they meant it as a compliment, but the fact that it was constantly brought up, I became very aware of the fact that I had chubby cheeks. So I'd suck them in. It became so second nature to suck in my cheeks, I didn't even have to think about it. I was probably around 5 or 6 years old.
Then in 1st grade, as part of an initiative to teach children how to eat right, we were taught how to look at the nutritional fact labels on all of our food and analyze whether that was a healthy food or not. So, as soon as I was able to read, I read the fat grams in every single thing I ate. And if that was a big number, I wouldn't bring it close to my mouth. Everyone said fat was such a bad thing.
I also had a brother, 4 years younger than I, who loved to get a rise out of me by calling me fat. To him, it was a game. He loved to taunt me and get me going. From an early age, he knew he could do that by using that ugly three-letter word: fat. As a young girl in elementary school, I couldn't see that. All I heard was that word, associated with me, again and again.
Probably the biggest influence on my body-image insecurities was my own mother. (Please don't get me wrong - I LOVE my mom. We have a great relationship, and for most of my childhood and adult life have. This is not a dis on my mom, merely a fact of my life.) She herself is extremely self-conscious of her body. For as long as I can remember, I can hear her voice saying, "I'll tell anyone my age, but never ask me how much I weigh!". She'd constantly be putting herself down in the mirror as she stared at her own body right in front of me. I would watch her bounce back and forth between so many weird eating habits: not eating at all during the day and then eat a huge dinner and a big bowl of popcorn with us kids at night; counting calories; trying to stay on a healthy meal plan, lasting a few months or even a year or two, etc. She'd tell me stories of her own youth, having one older sister, known as "the thin one"and my mom therefore being known as the not-thin one. It was obvious that she had been crushed as a child in her own body image view, and she was still hurting because of it. She made it a point to do exactly the opposite of what had been done or said to her, so probably millions of times over my life, she had told me how beautiful I was. Her motive was right, but the effect left me very aware of my outward appearance from a very young age.
Never in my life have I been overweight or considered fat (except for those chubby cheeks of mine). I was never fat, but I was also never thin. I was the regular size. But I always managed to have friends who were extra skinny, so of course around them I felt fat. I was pretty active growing up: being a figure skater since age 3, also being in dance classes, playing soccer and running around the neighborhood with my brother and our friends. I was in shape the majority of my life, even through high school. I remember, however, the first time I ever thought of going on a diet was in 5th grade. It never really stuck, but the thought of going on a diet came and went through my middle school years. I'd try for a day, if I even made it that far. Looking back, I really feel as though the Lord protected me and my mind during that time. I'd get so totally aware of my body and so focused on wanting to look thinner, that I'd set up all these rules for myself (yes, in 5th grade!), and then as soon as my mom made spaghetti and garlic bread for dinner, I just couldn't stick to those rules anymore. I mean, it's GARLIC BREAD! I couldn't refuse. And then I had a moment of clarity and realized how silly it was to go on a diet when I really and truly wasn't even fat. So I'd eat my garlic bread and be happy and the thought wouldn't cross my mind again until months or years again down the road.
Then came high school. By this time I was actively training as a figure skater, excelling in my P.E. and weight training classes in school. I even won the "Best Female Athlete" award for my weight training class that semester. Though I wasn't stick thin, I had very little cellulite on my body. I can only remember spots of time during high school that the subject of fatness ever came up as an issue for me. Though few, they were extremely low times for me. Depressing times, and one time even suicidal. They were only thoughts, however, and yet again I see how the Spirit of God abiding within me protected me from those thoughts and temptations from turning into anything more than that. I was able to recognize at the time that it was the enemy feeding me those thoughts and to not listen to them any more.
After high school I landed a job at a local health club at the front desk. A perk of the job was a free membership at the gym. I had never worked out at a gym before and was rather nervous, not knowing how to use the equipment. It took me almost a year of working there, watching how the members used the machines and free weights, before I finally went in to work out for the first time. And I fell in love! I actually enjoyed working out. During that time, my coworkers became some of my closest friends, as well as some of the members of the gym, so I found myself there quite a lot. If I wasn't working, I was working out and socializing. As most people do in their early 20's, their bodies change and mature. I became thinner and fitter, the bone structure in my face became more pronounced and my chubby cheeks sunk in a bit. I was probably in the best shape of my life during the time I worked there. Being in that environment, I also became more aware of other people's eating habits, so my sensitivity toward food became even more elevated. At one point in time, I knocked absolutely all white food products out of my diet: no salt, no sugar, no flour, and no dairy. Did it make me thin? Of course! But I was also freezing cold all of the time, and dropped into my bed at 9pm every night because I was so exhausted. The thing about diets and exercising to be thin is that I was never thin enough. Though my frame was smaller and the number on the scale was dropping, it was never good enough. I was always comparing myself to my extra skinny friends, and I was never able to get to their size. I can't tell you the amount of torture and constant pressure I would put on myself over the things I ate or the amount I exercised. If I didn't go run in the morning, it seriously would disrupt me mentally for the rest of the day. If I had too much sugar or fatty foods, I would drop into a slump.
Praise the Lord that during my entire life, despite how aware I had been made of my body image, I never had an eating disorder like anorexia or bulimia. It never got there, even though the thought of not eating for a few days crossed my mind on more than one occasion. But I would consider my many years worth battle with food, exercise and body image an eating disorder for sure. It consumed me. I wouldn't be even halfway through a meal before I was thinking about what I'd have for the next meal. Food, though I hated it, consumed me. My physical body and the shape it took, consumed me. The way others looked at me and what they said about me, consumed me. It was what I thought of at all times. Just because I never looked fat to many people - just because I might have a faster metabolism - doesn't mean it wasn't a real battle for me, because it most certainly was.
Was.
When I got married to Jack in 2009, something changed in me. The Lord healed me from all of this. It was like God cleared my mind and gave me His view of my body. His view of food. His view of exercise. And I was freed!
I had been given a husband who absolutely adored me just how I was. He was very meaningful in his words, telling me how beautiful he found me and how attracted he was to me. His words had substance, and they hit me straight to my heart. I felt so loved outside as much as inside. He was truly showing me the way Christ felt about me, His precious creation. And during devotions one day, I came across the verse, "...You are fearfully and wonderfully made" (Psalm 139:14). I all of a sudden understood this verse in a totally different way: not only was I made by God for a purpose, but Got HAND-CRAFTED me to look the way I do! I imagined a man with wood and his carving tools, so delicately and carefully thinking about what part to sand down and which part to chisel away. He put so much thought and diligent planning intricacies to make ME. Who am I to criticize the Maker of this universe and His handiwork?! It was like God opened my eyes to see my body the way He does: He loves it because He made it that way.
During this time, I had read a book called The Makers Diet, discussing all of the benefits to the diet that God gave His people in the Old Testament*, followed by correlating meal plans. I remember reading through one of these meal plans and on it was 1 whole hardboiled egg - yolk and all. I didn't even remember the last time I ate an egg yolk! Weren't those supposed to be filled with fat and cholesterol??? And then I had another moment of revelation: God gave us food to nourish our bodies. Period. It's that simple! Yes, it's a bonus that He's made food so delicious, and it should be enjoyed as such, but the root of it all: food is meant to nourish. I suddenly started looking at food in a different light. I was so darn tired of being cold all the time, so I started eating things like the yolk in with the egg whites and putting butter on my toast and eating red meats more often. I was so free! (And warmer!) I finally understood: fat it GOOD for you! I need fat! God declared cows healthy to eat? What?! I thought red meat was bad for you??? I realized so much of what the world was saying about what was supposed to be good for me didn't always correlate with what God says was good for me. And I wanted to follow God all the way.
When we first found out we were pregnant with Olivia, I knew she was going to be a girl. And I knew that this trend of passing on body image insecurities had to end here. I have made it a mission to never talk bad about my body or put my looks down in front of my daughter. Ever. In fact, it's my desire to minimize the amount of body talk at all - good or bad. Though we are to take care of them and keep them healthy, they're just bodies. I want my daughter's main concern to be her soul. My prayer and desire of her is that she have such a sweet spirit, one of obedience, humility, kindness and generosity. Her body just holds all of that in. I don't want to be ignorant of the many worldly bombarding ideas and images that she will see, no matter how I might want to protect her from it all. I'm going to talk to her about it. I want her to come to me with her own issues. It's not going to be a taboo subject in our house, but I want to teach her where body image concerns should be in the grande scheme of eternity. Most importantly, I want to lead her to that place by example. Just as I watched my mother look at herself in disgust in the mirror, I hope and pray Olivia will see me rejoice that God has given me a healthy body and that's it.
I'm at such a healthy place now. I have freedom in what I eat. Yes, I eat egg yolks and ham and brownies. I also eat kale and sweet potatoes and broccoli. I eat certain foods, not because I like them, but because I know they're good for me and that's just being responsible for the body God gave me. I eat not-so-healthy foods because I have freedom to do so, and God-given self-control to eat them in small amounts. I am not obsessed with the number on the scale, because it doesn't matter. I run almost every day, but if I'm too tired to get up, that's ok. I exercise to keep my muscles strong and my heart healthy, not to burn calories and be a supermodel. I want to run with my kids at the park and wrestle with them on the couch, not just watch them grow up from the sidelines. I'm okay buying clothes in the next size up because it just looks better on me and feels more comfortable. Sure, I might not look as thin as I did when I was in my early 20's, but I sure feel a whole lot better - physically as well as mentally, emotionally and spiritually.
Thank you, Jesus, for healing me! It's truly by Your power alone that I can leave that burden behind.
*Side Note: Yes, I know that we are no longer under the Law of the Old Testament. At that time, God demanded that His people eat the way He laid out in the book of Leviticus to keep them pure. We're not under that Law anymore, we're free in Christ from any law, and we're free to eat anything we want! BUT, the diet God directed the Hebrew people to eat was and still is the most healthy diet for our bodies. God designed our bodies, He should know what's best for us to put in them!
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